


in every universe

by dingletragedy



Series: ballum week ‘20 [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, ballum week 2020, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:26:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24612244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dingletragedy/pseuds/dingletragedy
Summary: Above, a thick cloud carries the threat of a downpour, as it seems to capture everything in a grey and black dome. When the rain comes, Callum breathes it in slow, savours the pause in time.“I—I ain’t good for you, and love ain’t good for me,” Ben continues after the worst of the rain passes. He sounds smaller than Callum’s ever heard him.“How can you say that?”“Because you’re in love with the idea of me, Callum,” Ben is saying, quiet and distant, honest, his words directed up to the sky, harsh and broken and fast-paced, jumbling together. “You’re in love with a version of me that only exists in your mind, not the real me.or, a coda to the epsiode that aired 26/05/20 because ben just can't say things like"i’m not the person that you fell in love withand expect me to let it lie.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: ballum week ‘20 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780960
Comments: 33
Kudos: 124





	in every universe

**Author's Note:**

> day 1 of ballum week - missing scene
> 
> this hasn't been proofread and it truly a mess but hey i'm tired of apologies for my fic lmao!!!
> 
> enjoy x

Ben is terrified of the future. Like, absolutely petrified of it. He hates talking about it, he hates thinking about it even. Callum knows that, he tries not to get offended or hurt by it, knows that it isn’t about Ben having a fear of commitment, rather about Ben having a fear of love. Of giving his heart up, just to have it destroy the both of them. Callum understands that, they both suffer from the insufferable fear of being unlovable. Callum wishes he could kiss that away, show Ben just how easy to love he is.

Because he is. Ben is so easy to love. 

“It would help if you weren’t so patronising—”

“What?” Callum cuts Ben off, chest heaving a little. 

“Cooking me a meal, talking real slow, like what am I?” Callum's throat immediately tightens, heart falling somewhere unreachable. “An invalid or something?”

“No, no, Ben,” Callum gasps out, knuckles white and hands strong when he signs, _I love you._

“How can you?” Ben shouts, but there’s an ache there too, Callum knows it, hears it in all Ben says. “I’m not the person that you fell in love with. And it is only a matter of time before everybody finds out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“About me. You. _Us.”_

They stand in silence for a moment then, just staring at each other in the half-dark.

“You shouldn't,” Ben continues, voice tangled and broken, as if his throat is caught around barbed wire. _“You can’t.”_

“ _Well,_ _I do._ I love you so much,” Callum repeats in a murmur, a sad smile curling over his mouth before he can stop it, because he’s upset but he understands. Or at least, he wants to. 

“I know,” Ben whispers, and Callum’s gaze snaps to him, wide-eyed and pleading. “I know you do. I just can’t understand why. _Or how_.” 

“Because, Ben, you deserve more love than anyone. You deserve everything.”

Ben huffs an air of empty laughter and all of the sudden, there’s just silence. It’s just him and Ben standing on this invincible plane. _Bound together. Torn apart._

“I’m sorry,” Callum breathes when he can’t stand it anymore, tears beading in the corners of his eyes. He never wanted to give Ben a reason to doubt his love, he was so sure he hadn’t. "I'm sorry." 

He flicks his eyes up to meet Ben's, blinking out of his thoughts. 

There are tears there, reflective in the light of the silver moon. 

“Me too,” Ben says softly, _too softly,_ and Callum’s entire heart shatters into a thousand pieces.

“Is it me? I am the problem?” The moment the words leave Callum's mouth, he feels something tug in his chest, though it’s more of a rip, a painful tear. A gush, skin torn at the seams, strained red pages pouring out for all to see. “I don’t—don’t give you enough reason to believe me? Don’t tell you enough—" 

“No,” Ben says firmly, shakes his head with intent. “Callum, this is all on me. All of it.” 

Above, a thick cloud carries the threat of a downpour, as it seems to capture everything in a grey and black dome. When the rain comes, Callum breathes it in slow, savours the pause in time.

“I—I ain’t good for you, and love ain’t good for me,” Ben continues after the worst of the rain passes. He sounds smaller than Callum’s ever heard him. 

“How can you say that?” 

“Because you’re in love with the _idea_ of me, Callum,” Ben is saying, quiet and distant, honest, his words directed up to the sky, harsh and broken and fast-paced, jumbling together. “You’re in love with a version of me that only exists in your mind, not the real me.”

And with those words Callum is shocked into silence, tears frozen and wobbling in his eyes.

“You don’t mean that,” he sniffles, leaning closer. “You don’t mean any of that. I love you for you, Ben. _All of you_. The person you were then, and the person you are now. And every single version of you that’s come in-between. _You’re wrong._ ” 

“Just leave it,” Ben bites out, hand coming out in front of him, begging. Callum steps away, his own fingers wrung together. He feels ill. ”You can't change what I think. You won't.” 

It’s deathly silent suddenly, and Callum remains frozen, afraid to make a single sound.

“I’m gonna stay at my Dad’s tonight.” 

“You don’t have to do that,” Callum says in a rush, trying to calm himself down. _“Ben, please.”_

“I need to be alone right now,” Ben whispers, strained. "I can’t—I can’t handle this.”

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Callum asks to the stars, unsure he wants to know the answer.

“Tomorrow?” Ben questions, looks to Callum for confirmation on his words. “Yeah, yeah I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

As Ben turns to back away slowly, Callum wipes his hands over his face before making a grab for Ben’s wrist. 

“Ben. Look at me,” Callum demands, and finally, he does. Ben’s eyes are wild; full of a million things Callum can’t put his finger on. But one he can: _Fear_.

“I know you don’t want to hear it right right now. But I love you. Today, tomorrow, _forever_.” 

If there was ever a reply on Ben’s tongue, it’s dead before it meets his lips. And with his eyes cast towards the gravel, he leaves Callum with two stony-eyed words.

_“Night, Callum.”_   
  


Outside Callum’s — _their_ — bedroom window, the moon is sinking steady and slow. The stars twinkle by the hundreds, gathering thickly, hopeful and mocking. 

Mocking because, still, by 01:08am, he’s laying in his bed, unable to fall asleep despite the burning behind his eyes.

It comes to Callum, then, what he needs to do. 

He’s done things like this before, he’s wrote love letters, and attempted poems before, if you could even call them that. Tens of them when Chris has died, Whitney still under his arm. He’d felt awful about it, as if he was cheating on her all over again. It was a ridiculous thought, he knew that - Chris was dead. He’d never read the letter, in fact, they’d never see the light of day outside the four wars of Callum’s bedroom; the four walls of his heart. 

But he’s never done anything quite this soppy before, he’s sure. 

He flings his notepad open, and worries the end of his pen with his teeth, before he begins scribbling words down as fast as his heart is beating.

~~**Reasons why I love Ben..** ~~

**I love ~~him~~ you because... **

_You showed me all the patience and gentleness in the world, even when I deserved anything but._

_You showed me what it was to live, to love and laugh, and to be free._

_I don’t know how to exist if it’s not with you._

_You’re my light._

_You’re every reason my world is warm and soft._

_I never thought about the future until you. You gave me a here, a now, and a forever._

_You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me._

_You gave me a family, a home, a safety._

_You’re the strongest person I know. Despite it all, you’re still here. Proving the doubters wrong on every corner._

_You’re the best Daddy to Lex. Gentle, accepting, and so full of love._

_—_

Hours pass, but his love doesn’t. He can’t stop writing, it seems. 

—

**I love you because…**

_You’re kind, and so considerate. Like when you go all the way across town to buy my favourite coffee, or sleep on my side of the bed to keep it warm for me after a particularly tough shift._

_You’ve got a wicked tongue. In both senses. And you aren’t afraid to use it. Again - in both senses._

_You’re closed off and reserved when you want to be, but you’re an open book - wear your heart on your sleeve - when you need to._

_You’re a bit of an idiot, really. For example, you still haven’t learnt that toast is hot._

_You always know exactly what I need, even when I’m not sure myself. A gentle to touch to calm the fire in my stomach. Or an electric touch that will start a fire elsewhere._

_You hold your love close to your heart, but when it comes to the people who mean the most, you’re so generous with it. Always making sure we feel your love in the most intense ways._

_You’re dead fit._

_You’re the love of my life, Ben Mitchell._

  
  


Callum must fall asleep eventually, because the next thing he knows, he’s peeling himself off the bed and making a move to where his phone is facedown on the desk. He turns it over and unlocks the screen, the bright light burns his tired eyes.

**02:13am**

_Fuck it._

He gets himself dressed, ready to brave the chill of the late-night, putting a coat on over his pyjamas and pulling a thick beanie over this forehead. 

It’s just pure fate that right as he takes his phone out of his pocket, Ben texts.

 _I can’t sleep,_ it read says, and Callum’s heart all but melts. _Can I come over, please?_

_You know you can, Ben x_

_I’m sorry about the fight and I’m sorry about what I said. I don’t want to argue anymore, I hate it. X_

Callum knows the look on his face is worried, lips bitten red-raw and fingernail too, even without seeing it. Is it possible to be so in love with someone that you’re consumed by it?

_Me too. I’m sorry and all x_

_I can’t sleep without you anymore._

_And you think I can?_

_Let me up, babe. X_

_What?_

_I’m downstairs, forgot my keys - duh!_

Callum lets out a slow huff of laughter like he can’t quite believe it. Couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face if he tried, he pulls his beanie and coat off and moves to the door to let Ben in. 

He hears Ben make his way up, taking the steps two at a time. 

“Hey,” Callum breathes softly as the door clicks shut behind Ben, and he knows, meeting Ben’s eyes, that his words could break him easy as anything. Like glass about to splinter, one wrong footfall away from shattering into a million tiny pieces.

“Hi,” Ben croaks back, almost inaudible. He looks entirely exhausted, under eyes hollowed and dark, hair a mess on his head, curled in on himself. A mirror image of himself, Callum imagines. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’ve been so worried about you,” Callum says, slow and steady. He hates the way his voice sounds, because he’s not angry at Ben. _Never._ Only sometimes, anger and worry cross paths, contrasting emotions become all muddled, near impossible to separate. _Life and death. Light and dark. Anger and worry._ But that’s what love is capable of, Callum supposes. “I’m glad you’re here.” 

Ben remains wordless, stoic and silent. They stand there for a moment, frozen in the shadows of the moonlight, before they crash together in a tight embrace. Callum’s ribs ache with it, how tightly they’re both hanging on, but he lets it wash over him, lets himself feel it. Ben’s fingers dig into his back and he lets out a sharp, stuttered breath through his nose.

“Can we go to bed, please?” Ben asks, and it’s a whisper, barely there. Gentle light falls in from the window, making his eyes flash.

“Whatever you need.” 

They pad to the bedroom on light feet, hearts heavy. 

He finds Ben’s hand in the dark, rests his fingers in the gaps between Ben’s own.

There's no light in the bedroom, just dusky blue shadows curling around every corner, seeping into every crack. Callum flicks the bedside light on, illuminating the room in a gentle yellow. He needs Ben to be able to see him for this conversation.

Wordlessly, Ben crawls towards Callum, lays himself down, half draped over his legs and chest. 

Callum really never thought it was possible to miss somebody who’s right in front of you, _attached to you_ , but that’s what this feels like. Needing somebody so much that even their presence in the here and now doesn’t feel like enough. He just wants to know, somehow, someway, that they’ll always have each other.

“Ben,” Callum whispers, because Ben’s gone suspiciously quiet, hands relaxed between them. It’s so late, he knows, and Ben’s tired enough as it is from the week he’s had, but the thought of missing a moment awake together is terrifying for reasons Callum doesn’t want to think too hard about. 

“Mm,” Ben hums, lashes shifting.

The rain is picking up again. Outside, a lone car sweeps down the street, a brief flash of yellow light that jumps in through the window like a spike in a pulse, sudden and bright.

“I need you to know,” Callum says, and he tries not to sound so desperate, tries not to let the strain in his voice show. “How much I love you.”

“I know,” Ben nods, the vulnerability of nighttime and tiredness cracking him open, turned inside out like a raw nerve. “I know, of course I do, Callum. But I also know I don’t deserve it, _your love._ And I’m so scared of you realising that, so scared of losing you because of it. I don’t know what I’d do if you left me, I can’t even—”

“Then don't” Callum interrupts, sinking forward and cradling Ben’s face between his palms, meeting his eyes. “Don’t even think about it, okay? I love you and I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Callum, don’t—”

“You’re a good person, Ben,” he whispers, ernest. “You have a good heart, you just need to let yourself believe it.”

Ben pulls away a little, frowns as he faces Callum fully, and when Callum meets his eye carefully, he finds something akin to a revelation passing over Ben’s features, something Callum feels in his chest when Ben blinks, lashes clumped.

“I must be the most difficult person to love,” Ben says, shy, this hurt glint to his eyes. _It breaks Callum’s fucking heart._  
  
“That’s not true,” Callum presses, feeble and caught wet in his throat, and they’re still so close, their eyes shined, and Callum can’t help it when he lets the first tear go, hot and dewy where it clings under his chin. “You’ve done nothing but make me feel like I belong here, even when you’ve felt like you don’t. You’ve done nothing but take care of my feelings, and be patient, and kind, and God knows where I’d be if it weren’t for you. You’re so far away from difficult, Ben. You’re everything.”  
  
“How can I be all these things to you, when I’m nothing to myself?”  
  
“Maybe you don’t know all the things that you are, yet,” Callum says. He looks back to Ben, face set. “But you know what you’re not, and who you don’t want to be. And I think that’s more important than anything else. You can grow and learn in so many ways, but knowing what you don’t want to be, knowing your morals, your values and your pride, that’s what matters. You have that, Ben. Nothing can take that away, they’re your things and you built then all by yourself.“

He can’t be sure Ben understands every word, but he’s nodding his head along, and that has to be enough for Callum tonight.

 _I’m sorry,_ Ben signs, hand to his chest. “I’m so sorry, Callum”

 _“Sh,_ I’m here,” Callum whispers, the words lost against Ben’s jaw, wet kisses to his neck, back up to his waiting mouth. They both inhale, feet dragging soft in the sheets as they shift. He looks back up to meet Ben’s eyes, “I’ve got you, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ben nods. He smooths his hands up under Callum’s shirt, closes his eyes against the touch. 

Callum leans down and presses a delicate kiss to Ben’s forehead. It’s barely a whisper of a touch, but he hears Ben inhale, feels his shoulder relax instantly. He trails his lips down the bridge of Ben’s nose, so soft, then meets his mouth, warmth curling in his belly. Ben’s breath is hot and stuttered, his jaw sharp as he kisses. Callum leans over him some more, tilting his head.

It’s so, so, unbelievably delicate. Their lips meet with a cautious press, and they stay that way for a few moments before Callum pulls away a little, then ducks down again, twice as sure.

Stay,” Callum whispers, voice tightly coiled like there are fingers pressed up against the curves of his throat. When he speaks, the words flutter over Ben’s lips. “Please.”

“Always,” Ben drops a firm kiss to his lips, turns his palms to tangle their fingers together. “I’m not going anywhere.”

In this moment, Callum’s love for Ben is such a living, breathing thing inside of that he feels as though it could break free from him entirely, that it could banish the grey clouds from the sky and draw light to the ground again.

When Callum wakes the next morning, it’s to an empty bed and sleep-warm sheets. He’s cautious as he opens his eyes, the day’s sun already blazing through the blinds. 

He pulls some clothes on quietly and opens the door to the rest of the flat even quieter. Peeking his head out, he sees Ben sat at one of the kitchen stools, piece of paper, familiar writing, tight in hand. 

_Shit._

Callum doesn’t know why but as he approaches Ben, he feels full of nervous energy. He feels like he’s intruding on something. He feels like he’s intruding on his own heart. 

“Morning,” Ben says as he turns, sensing Callum’s arrival. “Alright?” 

“You weren’t supposed to—,” Callum cuts himself off, it’s useless. Ben has the piece of paper in his hands. Clear as day.  
  
“Weren’t I?” Ben questions, flint shining back in his eyes, right where it belongs.  
  
“‘No. I don’t know. Maybe?” Callum stutters a little nervously, a little embarrassed. “I hadn’t decided yet.”  
  
“I love you because...” Ben begins to read, “you look ridiculously hot in maroon.”  
  
“Ben—" 

  
“I mean, wow,” Ben continues, hot flames of embarrassment lick at Callum’s cheeks. “Ain’t sure if I should be flattered or offended by that. Is it your way of saying I look terrible in every other colour?”  
  
“You know it’s not. Anyway, trust you to pick that one out. Shallow as ever.”

“Just when I thought I couldn’t love you any more than I already do,” Ben voices. The words are spoken so gently, they sound the way the moon looks, remind him of the way the stars hum. “You go and do this.” 

“Because I love you.”

“What?” Ben questions, brows pinched, but Callum spots the tug of a slight smile twitching his lips. 

“I said; _I. Love. You_.” Callum repeats slowly. 

“Oh, I heard you,” Ben smirks. “Just wanted to hear it again.”

“Stop talking and kiss me some more, will ya?” Callum says, cheeks aching as he smiles. Ben blinks up at him, that syrupy grin slowly pulling up at his lips, and it’s enough to dissipate the small knot of sadness that’s been growing in Callum’s chest. 

“Sure,” Ben says, acting put-on now, drawing a lazy circle against the side of Callum’s hip with light fingers. “If mean, if you really want me to.”

“Think I do,” Callum hums. He runs his thumbs down the sides of Ben’s spine, tucks them just under the waistband of his joggers. Ben nudges their noses, and it’s such a soft gesture, has Callum melting into the wall, urging Ben to follow him down. “Think I always do.”

That makes Ben laugh, the softest giggle Callum’s ever heard a person make, softer than moonlight on ocean spray, than the wispy strands of a dandelion. And then, when they do kiss, when Ben leans forward and slots his bottom lip between Callum’s, it’s softer than any terrible love letter of _reason_ Callum's mind could ever think up.

“Cal,” Ben says randomly, word swallowed by another kiss.

Callum hums down at him. “Yeah, Ben?”

"I believe you,” Ben says simply. "I believe your love." 

“Yeah?” Callum whispers. Everything feels weighty, suddenly.

“Yeah,” Ben whispers back. “I love you _so_ much.” 

“And I love you. In every single universe, I’ll always love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> sunshinecallum twitter / sunshinehighway on tumblr


End file.
